All I ever wanted you to do was feel this feeling. Be this way. Exhale the sky.
All you ever did was feel different. Be away. Wash your hands with air.
All I love is a feeling. I still feel this way. I cannot breathe.
I still forget there’s air out there.
I still forget how white hot everything was.
I still forget myself.
There’s nothing wrong with this.
There’s nothing true about this.
There’s nothing.
You were once everything I felt.
You were once everything.
You were…once…
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn.
-Haruki Murakami-
Part of life is not knowing. That endless doubt that follows us around like a stray cat, no matter how sure we are of our choices - there is always the ‘what if’. That suppressed thought in the back of our heads.
I’ve grown into depending on my head most of the time. Instead of dwelling in the doubt, I simply do a cost and benefit analysis (eye-roll permitted, it actually works). I refuse to dwell if it is not worth my while. I figure life is hard enough as it is, why wallow. If I’ve made a choice consciously, what I can do is deal with the consequences. I am not in control of anything aside from my own thoughts and actions.
But once in a blue moon, I listen to my heart. I stand still in the sandstorm and accept that sometimes I cannot even control myself.
And in not knowing, there is a sense of surrender that I know my head can never fully grasp for the sole reason that logic is limited - but my heart is not…
Very hate to admit it…
- Randzzz -
Nighthawk is truly an ugly bird,
His face are covered with splotches as if He had been splattered with mud,
and His beak was flat and split all the way back to his ears.
He was such a sight that just seeing him,
made all other birds uncomfortable.
“Dear sun,
Please bring me to you.
I don’t care that I’ll burn and die.
Even an ugly body like mine will shine as it burns…please, take me”.
Ignoring the dizzying brightness,
Nighthawk flew like an arrow towards the sun.
But no matter how far He flew, He never got any closer to the sun.
Nighthawk was not a brother or true kin of The True Hawk.
Nighthawk had lost all hope, closing his wings, And began to fall to the ground.
And just when those weak legs were so close to the ground.
Nighthawk suddenly flew back up into the sky like a rocket.
Swung his body and ruffled his feathers.
His voice just like a hawk’s…
“I want to go in…”
Thus the nighthawk whisper.
His body began to feel very light.
He didn’t feel hot, cold, hungry, and pain either.
“I see…I died didn’t I?
I didn’t know that dying was this easy…
I don’t have to carry this burden and pain anymore.
I want to go in…”
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
And maybe something’s missing in your mind.
Maybe you don’t work the same way everyone else does.
Maybe you’re just different…
That would be a good news…
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
I’m made of dreams and memories.
I am made of misheard whispers in the dark.
I am made of glances across crowded rooms.
Of the closeness of strangers in a line outside a movie.
I am made of the corners of your mouth.
I am made of awkward elevator rides and the lack of security one finds on a doorstep, at the end of the evening, when one has enjoyed the company of another.
I am made of the train tracks that take me home.
I am made of ghost notes, from songs you never heard.
So forgive my absence….
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
I dreamed a dream in time gone by
When hope was high and life worth living
I dreamed that love would never die
I dreamed that God would be forgiving
Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made…and used…and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no beer untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tore your hope apart
As they turn your dreams to shame
I had a dream my life would be
So different from the hell I’m living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed…
- Randzzz-
How much does your life weigh?
Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life. You start with the little things: the shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks, then you start adding larger stuff. Clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV.
The backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home. I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.
Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office. And then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets. Your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend.
You get them into that backpack, feel the weight of that bag…
Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life. All those negotiations and arguments and secrets, the compromises.
The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake, moving is living.
Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans.
We are not swans. We are sharks…
Quotes from : Up In The Air
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
And I’m sorry if I haven’t written to you in a while. It’s just that life gets in the way of living. It’s just that my fingers were stuck together. It’s just that all the paper in the world caught fire.
You’ll forgive me if I haven’t written in a while. It’s just that all the envelopes made love to dragonflies and now, we cannot bring them down. It’s just that time stopped ticking. It’s just that all the ink ran clear.
My apologies if I haven’t written in a while. It’s just that words ran out of letters (these are the last in the bag). It’s just that language isn’t perfect.
It’s just, me…
- The Beast Inside My Mind -
